When Thoughts Fail: Bringing Actions into Alignment with Intentions

So often thought does not sync with action as if the influence hoped for is null and void. I find my level of self-leadership is low, and has been for a long time, but I may now have a hold on it. This is because an old insight, which I ignored for years, has now come to the fore in a new light

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I became reacquainted with this insight via notes taken over twenty years ago when working with a therapist. She pointed out that my main problem was repression of true self ideas as a result of being disrespected and intimidated by my mother in the early years which caused me to lose confidence.  I initiatially didn’t give much credence to this idea until recent times when I witness so often my failure to follow what my inner guide (aka my conscience) puts forward as right and good.

I have, without my knowing, become inured to consistently following my own thoughts and directives and substitute endless speculation and hypothesizing instead.  I have not been taking my self-directed assertions seriously but rather letting them slide by the board. Fantasy, hope, plans need to be converted into action. Magical thinking seems the culprit.

What is striking is that this experience highlights the need for will and motive to drive action. One can hold a motivating thought, but unless it harnessed by understanding to a mobilized agency nothing happens. 

From the archives, I have collected several insights that bear on the thought to action dynamic:

·       Cf. review of Isaiah Berlin in New York Review of Books (April 10, 2013):  “His instincts told him that you learn more about an idea, as an idea, when you know something about its genesis and understand why certain people found it compelling and were spurred to action by it. Then the real thinking begins.”

·        A clear trend emerging from this program of research is that forming implementation intentions decreases the probability of people forgetting to initiate their goal-relatedbehavior at critical moments (Gollwitzer & Sheeran, 2006; Sheeran & Orbell, 1999; Current Psychology; Sep 2009, Vol. 28 Issue 3, p181-186, 

        

·       According to Gollwitzer (1993) and Heckhausen (1991), motivation is just the starting point for behavioral performance. They propose a model of action phases

which suggests that adopting a behavior has two distinct stages. The first is a motivational or deliberative phase during which the individual weighs up the costs and benefits of performing the behavior. The second posits a volitional phase during which the individual develops strategies and plans to ensure that their intentions will be enacted. European Journal of Social Psychology; Mar1999, Vol. 29 Issue 2/3, p349-369, 21p

Self-concordance has been defined as the extent to which people perceive goal-directed behaviors to be within their system of personal interests and values versus Self-determination theory proposes that often people do not adhere to a behavior because they perceive that it is not concordant with the self (Deci & Ryan, 1985). Self-concordance has been defined as the extent to which people perceive goal-directed behaviors to be within their system of personal interests and values versus something one feels compelled to do by interpersonal and/or intra-personal forces One conclusion that emerges from contemporary research on self-determination theory is that individuals reporting self-discordant reasons for performing a behavior are likely to actively contemplate pros and cons of performing the behavior and make no commitment to change because self-discordant goals generate intra-personal conflict

British Journal of Psychology; Nov2010, Vol. 101 Issue 4, p705-718, 14p,

Inner and Outer Sources of Authoritative Commands

In reading the latest book by Jonathan Franzen, Purity, the main character at one point pleads with her lover to tell her what to do because she knows this about herself: she likes to be directed by others, especially those she admires because of their status or power.

This passage suggested the comparative strength of authoritative commands from different quarters, for example, the ones emanating from one’s conscience versus those from outside sources: teachers, bosses, institutional authorities, friends, professionals, and so forth.

The power of commands varies all over the map, but what interests me is how you can strengthen commands coming from your inner guide, conscience, master self…whatever label you prefer to use in naming the voice or entity that declares what is good or right from within.

I raise this question because I am aware of my own resistance to self-leadership and suspect that if one is serious about personal change, in habits, in altering addictions, or pursuing any positive goal one has to learn to submit and comply with one’s inner voice.

After all we are accustomed to following the advice and recommendations of outer authorities, though not always sedulously, especially professionals like doctors, lawyers and other so called experts. Why can’t this be as easy when giving attention to one’s conscience?

I believe this is because you have not yet accepted your conscience as your savior. People need to accept the conscience or inner guide as their personal savior just as they might defer to their will power, therapeutic ideology or some kind of religious faith. Alcoholics Anonymous has enshrined submission to a ‘higher power’ as necessary for change; submission to one’s conscience seems to me a perfectly acceptable alternative for those inclined to a more secular direction.

Fear is at the bottom of reluctance to follow the inner guide or conscience.  Fear of failure, of rejection and fear of disapproval constitute the pillars of resistance and until they are managed change is impossible. The strategies for doing this may be behavioral and cognitive, but until they are brought into play, be ready for fall backs. As R.  Baumeister, D. Kirschenbaum and others have argued, self-regulatory failure is the norm so expectations for advance should be modest.

Strengthening the call of the conscience is helped if you have a framework to understand the struggle. In my experience this can be done by looking at what the conscience recommends and examine how you have felt in the past when you have followed those recommendations. Usually I have felt elation, bliss and positive self-regard, the mother’s milk of further effort.

With these outcomes, it is not hard to be persuaded to undertake new resistance prone endeavors; the rewards have already been identified and enjoyed from past projects.

Overcoming Impotence by the Pull of Intimate Disclosures

Impotence in the face of a life project may turn into a cold hatred of any enterprise that solidifies one’s weakness.  This hatred underlies the temptation to refuse any opportunity that carries the risk of failure or rejection.  The desire for recognition from the outer world is strangled by one’s own disposition to refuse risk.

We have considerable agitation and discomfort in the face of impediments that detract from our energy to produce prized results. The lessening of energy complicates any advance but this will dissipate as small victories are accomplished. Incremental advances and small victories are sometimes achievable over time and function to re-new commitment.

One cannot seek desired results often times since the personality has security and pleasure as its aims. Any threat to security and pleasure is immediately discarded in favor of dwelling in the unlived life. Going for rewards in the outer world is often driven by the need for a witness of what has been developed inwardly.

Success and acts of kindness change their function from being drivers of practice to becoming expressions of hidden resolves. Unconscious needs, once uncovered, become sources of right action for they are in alignment with one’s intuitions and underlying passions.

Thought alone suffer from failures of the will which only comes forth as an ally when summoned by the inner guide.  If will is based on deeply held desires, resistance due to fear and self-doubt

is more readily overcome.

Stuttering starts, stops and distractions tend to disrupt smooth journeys to end points but inflection points where a sudden opening to wider vistas takes place may convert lassitude into burning desires. The impotence born of fear can be overcome when there is exposure to authoritative evidence that going outside from inside brings rewards of closeness to others. The evidence from intimate relationships shows that it is often brought about by the sharing of secrets.  

Basics of Self Coaching

I have found in striving for goals that journal keeping helps inspire and direct my efforts. 

My self communions in a journal consist of admonishments and advice giving and many ”you shoulds” that have a motivating impact on getting me to follow the acts necessary to fulfill personal goals. Whether they work or not is always problematic, except for times of recent relapse.

The impact is attenuated by my own resistance which in turn can be caused by unconscious vindictiveness, low self confidence, or various fears, none of which can be definitely validated.

By returning every day to these self directed dialogues, I find that compliance brings a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. Non compliance inevitably brings guilt, frustration and new resolves to “do better”.

Much as an external coach would do, these self administered directives seem to lead me down a more virtuous path, or at least one that I believe is preferable to simply responding to every impulse or passing temptation that invites giving in rather than staying the course.

Working with a coach, you develop a goal and a plan of action for reaching that goal. Weekly meetings ensure accountability. But working with yourself alone, you can do the same thing, and use record keeping as your accountability device.

Self coaching is a kind of self empowerment process wherein you rely on your own resources rather than an outside expert to initiate and carry out strategies that you know are necessary to gain positive outcomes.

Some of the resources you need to help yourself in your goal strivings are: record keeping; perspectivizing….coming up with meanings that help motivate and inspire; role models…finding others who are doing what you want to be able to do and finding out how they work; self contracting…setting particular tasks and a time limit for their attainment; recognition rituals…finding ways to reward yourself for doing what you say you think is important or that you ‘should’ do.

These are just some of the factors that help you move forward when the services of an outside coach are not available or are out of reach financially.

Externalization and Its Vagaries

I have recently struggled with a fear-bound wish to do a better job of letting others know about my personal change or growth work.  After a series of successes in weight control, smoking cessation and mastering a reluctance to do business marketing via cold calls, I find my self blocked by what I see as the risks of self disclosure.  Out of a wish for more accountability as an aide to advancement, I find myself wanting to disclose more yet I am throttled in the attempt.

The three main fears are: fear of disapproval, fear of rejection and fear of failure. All wrapped together, they appear an as a vaguely perceived amorphous ball of restraint, a self canceling force that keeps one stuck.

The literature on procrastination is not much help. It argues that it is sometimes a response to an authoritarian parenting style. Having a harsh, controlling father keeps children from developing the ability to regulate themselves, and keeps them from internalizing their own intentions and then learning to act on them.  Procrastination can even be a form of rebellion, one of the few forms available. What’s more, under authoritarian house hold conditions, procrastinators turn more to friends than to parents for support and their friends may reinforce procrastination because they tend to be tolerant of their excuses. (See Hara Morano article in Psychology Today, http://psychologytoday.com/rss/pto-20030823-000001.html “ Ten Things You Should Know About Procrastination”)

Even uncovering the fears of disclosure, and having an understanding of same, the resolution does not immediately come forth.  If I look at my own history of disclosure I find that for the most part good things followed, not the bad things I anticipated, i.e., the failure, rejection and or disapproval.  The three towers of intimidation.  So my own personal history teaches that my predictions in the past were wrong, or simply delusional, born of fears and that by incremental exposure, I could win the day.

However, even this evidence based personal history does not always provide sufficient drive to advance.  Excuses and rationalizations pop up as inner conflict get aroused; short term, pleasurable indulgences always appear: the wine, the sweets, the second helpings. You win some and lose some. Human frailty comes to the fore as a universal of human experience and so one is left with inevitable imperfection.

Listening to the self-critical or self-doubting voice never gets you closer to goal. Instead, try the point of view of a mentor or good friend who believes in you, wants the best for you and will encourage you when you feel discouraged. (See Kelly McGonigal,The Willpower Instinct. http://amzn.to/1IrHJF0)

Self Coaching for Overcoming Fears

 Any understandings that can help you move forward on an agenda, especially ones that help you overcome fear of disapproval, are of real value in over coming various forms of reluctance.

In notes kept over a number of years, I have collected a variety of methods for overcoming fear. These are mostly “psychological type” fears such as fear failure, fear of rejection or fear of disapproval. The methods heavily emphasize tactics that prevent fears from arising in the first place.

To overcome fear, people need to:

Refute irrational beliefs… in cognitive psychology, this is a favorite techniques and is particularly suited to fears of disapproval. 

Some of the ways people formulate irrational beliefs are by:  l. All or nothing thinking… you see things in black and white categories; if your performance falls short of being perfect, you see your self as a total failure. 2. Overgeneralization… you see a single negative happening as a never-ending pattern of defeat, or rejection, etc. 3. Disqualifying the positive… you reject positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count” for some reason. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by everyday experiences.

These are just a few of the ways irrational beliefs come up. They need to be examined and surrendered if more positive, coping styles are to be maintained. If you realize how you formed some of your irrational beliefs, as by these methods mentioned above, then hopefully you will be ready to discard them.

Other ways of overcoming fear are: avoiding jumping to conclusions. You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that support your conclusions; discard mind reading… this is when you conclude, falsely, that someone is reacting negatively to you and you don’t bother to check this out.  This is also known as the FORTUNE TELLER ERROR.

Finally, another cognitive error to avoid is catastrophizing or minimization.  Catastrophizing is when you exaggerate the importance of little things that happen and scare your self unnecessarily. Minimizing is when you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow’s imperfections). This is also called the “binocular trick”.

A self coaching approach calls for implanting the tools of self encouragement. These include taking the self as an object that can be changed and improved upon.  Reflecting on past accomplishments also furthers a self coaching approach for it enhances your determination and confidence.

 

Self guidance calls for planning and executing strategies that help you attain personal goals, despite your fears.  Fear can be minimized by knowing exactly how you are going to proceed when fear strikes.  A viable self coaching technique here is the pre commitment technique that heightens the cost of giving in to fear, or temptation.

Finally the development of goals that are expressive of deeply held values is always an optimal self coaching strategy. Because these goals have personal meaning to an individual and reflect an individual's self-identity, self-concordant goals are more likely to receive sustained effort over the long haul.

Eight Little Known Facts About Procrastination

Starting this blog is a large chore since I want to leverage my archives, the eight thousand files collected over a life time; there are a variety of topics though  most are related to personal goals and my struggles to implement  those goals.

I have had lots of goals and dreams, but less in the way of fulfillment; lots of striving but little to report in the way of actual accomplishment. Though strangely, or not, I keep trying and by dent of resilience, I guess,  I have sometimes had some small successes.

But mostly what has happened is that small victories in areas of diet, exercise, writing for publication have been accompanied by enormous amounts of dithering and avoidance.  Hence my interest in procrastination is born of close familiarity with its varieties.

I wanted this writing session to be about procrastination but  it is a scary topic for me because I have done so much of it, and feel badly about that. I don’t have a formula to produce a solution but I feel I am very acquainted with avoidance and its rewards.  Writing projects are particularly an anathema to me.

About the only kind of writing I do that I don’t procrastinate about is in my journal. And that is because I don’t have to worry about outside judgment since I am the only audience.  While I am easy to please, this gets boring after a while. Hence the push outwards to find au audience and to convince that audience to keep reading.

So here is what I have learned about procrastination from my files:

·        Procrastination predicts higher levels of consumption of alcohol among those people who drink. Procrastinators drink more than they intend to—a manifestation of generalized problems in self-regulation

·        Procrastination is only a problem when  one believes the total sum of his or her worth as a human being is tied up in performance. 

·        Procrastinators are made not born. Procrastination is learned in the family milieu, but not directly. It is one response to an authoritarian parenting style. Having a harsh, controlling father keeps children from developing the ability to regulate themselves, from internalizing their own intentions.

• Procrastinators tell lies to themselves. Such as, "I'll feel more like doing this tomorrow." Or "I work best under pressure." But in fact they do not get the urge the next day or work best under pressure. In addition, they protect their sense of self by saying "this isn't important." Another big lie procrastinators indulge is that time pressure makes them more creative. Unfortunately they do not turn out to be more creative; they only feel that way.

• There are three types of procrastinators:  arousal types, or thrill-seekers, who wait to the last minute for the euphoric rush.
• Avoiders, who may be avoiding fear of failure or even fear of success, but in either case are very concerned with what others think of them; they would rather have others think they lack effort than ability.
• Decisional procrastinators who cannot make a decision. Not making a decision absolves procrastinators of responsibility for the outcome of events.
• People who worry about being judged inadequate or unworthy usually are afraid that inadequate is exactly what they are. They are afraid to take a realistic look at themselves and find out whether they're as good as they hope or as bad as they suspect.

Self Defeating Inhibitions: Carrying Forward in Spite of Fear

Some years ago when I was overcoming my fear of cold calling residential home owners and other markets, I told my former professor, Neil Smelser,  then at UC Berkeley, about my struggles. His response:

“I am fascinated by your interest in "cold-calling" or what might be called self-defeating inhibitions. I assume you are aware of the public opinion survey results that show a large proportion of people (a majority, I don't know?) say that their biggest problem in life is speaking in public.  I can't give you a reference, but it's consistent with the magnitude of the issue you are tackling.”

In a series of journal articles and books, Roy Baumeister inquired about the reasons for self-defeating behavior (the term self defeating inhibitions is original with Smelser as far as I know). His conclusions: there is no self-defeating urge as some have thought. Rather, self-defeating behavior is either a result of trade-offs (enjoying drugs now at the expense of the future), backfiring strategies (eating a snack to reduce stress only to feel more stressed), or the psychological strategy to escape the self - where various self-defeating strategies are rather directed to relieve the burden of selfhood

This idea of self defeating inhibitions and their causes throws a fascinating light on the general problem of self repression, self sabotage and any sort of self induced barrier that narrows one choices in life. Or better yet, reduces you to a feckless and mostly irresolute agent, no matter what you are promulgating.  If one is seeking some kind of success in any endeavor, to consciously or unconsciously bring yourself down, or put your worst foot forward in performance is a recipe for staying in the shadows.

Usually self defeating inhibitions describe people who make terrible public speakers or actors held back by stage fright or nervous ninnies trying to make a good impression in a job interview. But lately I have come to see it also as a kind of failure in initiative taking. Either because of low self confidence or negative projection of your self as an inadequate performer in the  eyes of your audience, you don’t take yourself or your ideas seriously and as a result end up hiding out  rather than  ‘going for it’.

To self coach yourself  out of this predicament, 3 exercises have been prescribed by Bill Knaus, a writer at Psychology Today. These are for overcoming shyness and social anxiety which in this context are closely allied to self defeating inhibitions.  The one exercise he suggest (the others are available at the link above) that I particularly liked he calls the ‘stepping out of character’ exercise.

Go to a mall on a busy day; take off your watch. Ask twenty people for the time of day. This is good exercise for addressing fear of stranger rejection. A small percentage will ignore you but you can easily survive a stranger passing on your request for the time.

“You may find that you start nervous. You give yourself excuses to delay. Nevertheless, you push yourself to do the exercise. You log the results of each encounter. You later look at your findings. Here is what you are likely to find. Most will give you the time of day. Some will walk past you as though you didn’t exist. A few may engage you in a brief and pleasant conversation:  http://bit.ly/Swt1nE

In my work with cold callers, the evolution frequently reported is from extreme discomfort when calling strangers without an introduction to a mild sense of unease when picking up the phone to call a new prospect. For some, this change occurs quickly within a week or two. For others, the butterflies never entirely vanish, but they become more tolerable.

The fancy term for this in psychology is “progressive desensitization”. And it is good to be reminded that this happens, especially if you are still stuck behind your defenses. As Susan Jeffers said: “FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY.”  See her book with this same title.

Mind Sets and Activities: Optimal Strategies for the Perfection Model of Success

In looking over some old notes from 2001, I found that I reported that I  always felt better when I followed what I choose to call my Inner Guide or Better Self   (or conscience, or superego). I always felt better and had more positive objective outcomes to report. However, my reluctance or resistance was also very present, no matter how good the results were when I was compliant. So what gives here?

Over and over again I have found the three mainstays of reluctance are inertia, inner conflict and temptation to give into some impulse, need or desire.

It is useful in confronting this problem to consider a fundamental distinction between two models of success, the perfection model and the fulfillment model.

The personality theorist Salvatore Maddi (Personality Theories : A Comparative Analysis by Salvatore R. Maddi, March 22, 2001)argues that there are two versions  of the success or fulfillment model the difference being the nature of  the postulated force. If the force is the tendency to express an ever greater degree the capabilities, potentialities or talents based on  one’s genetic constitution, then dealing with the ACTUALIZATION MODEL.

In the  PERFECTION MODEl,  the force is the tendency to strive for what will make life ideal or complete, perhaps even by compensating for some weak spot or feelings  of inadequacy, or feeling of inferiority.

The perfection model is one I am drawn to.  Striving to realize an ideal, like weight loss, sobriety, smoking cessation or mastering writer’s block requires disciplined acting in accord with certain tactics and strategies that must be followed for success to follow.

I have developed several tactics and strategies for dealing with reluctance, when I got off the main road, fell into some distracting  tributary, some weakness, or variant of irrational compulsion or lack to control.  Among the tactics and strategies I have used with good results are those that follow:

·      Record keeping….to track  progess and confirm or deny that you are on the correct path to success.

·      Public commitment…presenting your efforts to an audience,saying what you are about in order to reinforce your own motivation to go fro goal.

·      Journal keeping…to generate motivating ideas, pull in meanings that may aide self leadership, help identify obstacles and evolve new strategies for overcoming

·      Listening to self, especially your better self that KNOWS what is best for you.

·       Look at role models or read stories of achievers who went on to great things.

Knowing about these strategies and using them as well is not automatic and pitfalls always arise, plus it is difficult to stay focused and invest your time and energy consistently, over time, to bring about positive results. Knowing and doing can be close or not. The two can be brought closer with actions more so than with mind sets or perspectives. This is been my experience in a lifetime of personal change The reader will note that most of the strategies are activities, not thoughts.

The question of the effectiveness of strategies for change  is key and unfortunately the record of progress especially in the health field is not encouraging.

Many people adopt health goals but many fail to succeed in attaining these goals as is, for example, demonstrated in research on new year’s resolutions which shows that about 45% of people abandon their goal of losing weight or quit smoking within one month  Ringing in the New Year: The change processes and reported outcomes of resolutions JC Norcross, AC Ratzin, D Payne - Addictive behaviors, 1989

An important reason for such failure may be that people set goals that are too difficult or that they adopt goals for external reasons such as expectations of what they should do Attaining personal goals: self-concordance plus implementation intentions equals success. R Koestner, N Lekes, TA Powers… - Journal of personality …, 2002 - psycnet.apa.org

Another reason why people may fail is that they don’t develop plans for how they will go after their goals,  how they will ensure their persistence in the face of distractions and obstacles (De Ridder & Kuijer, 2006). Research suggests that furnishing goals with specific action plans (intentions to implement ) can enhance success  because it links the desired behaviors with certain situations and allows for automatic  responding that is not as volitionally demanding as is continually making decisions about when and how to accomplish one’s goals.

What I am About: From Bad Habits to Health and Well Being

     Before and after retirement, I chose self improvement as my arena for bringing about the passage to more dignity and self worth. This has already happened in weight loss, overcoming smoking addiction, overcoming call reluctance or lack of assertiveness in being a salesman, and overcoming writer’s block. Presently I am working on achieving sobriety because, at age 75, my system can’t handle alcohol anymore, even a modest glass of wine or two.

   In each of these personal struggles I was striving for a goal that could only be reached by exercising personal self discipline.  In a word, it was about regulating my inner life. The literature about willpower and self control has been a major interest.  I was striving for goals that entailed strenuous inner struggle to accomplish.  In some instances, the factors to be controlled were bodily craves (for nicotine, alcohol, food). In others, it was fear, doubt, and various negative beliefs. In fact, the beliefs were sometimes found later to be delusions. 

     In some instances, it took me years of striving to accomplish these goals.  There was much progress followed by regression and slipping back to old habits. Over time, there was much success and failure, back and forth, over and over, trial and error; it was like a roller coaster ride.

      And out of these personal struggles I became a student of what helps and what hinders struggles for personal change: record keeping, role models, perspectives, meanings and beliefs, affirmations (didn’t work for me) gaining self trust or taking one’s own interests and inclinations seriously, avoiding avoidance or distractions where possible, watching out for substitute formations that were really escapes and defenses against fear of disapproval, having confidence, using performative expressions  (“I will no longer have second helpings”, announced to my mate), real reasons vs. nice sounding ones; accountability partners; group support,  and having strategies in place for dealing with temptation in its various guises.

        Also I became exposed to such notions as SELF DEFEATING INHIBITIONS (some of which turned out to be unconscious), or the role of unconscious factors that could delay or subvert change and successful striving. For example, the unconscious fear of abandonment that undercut initiative; or the fear of initiating contacts with strangers due to an unconscious fear of embarrassment and humiliation.  This last unconscious belief turned out to be a delusion.   These unconscious factors had to be uncovered before they could be controlled, or at least the attempt could be made; frequently, of course, these attempts were met by  failure  as’ thought’ alone was insufficient.

     In the course of these struggles I developed certain beliefs, assumptions, and therapeutic ideologies. And I got therapeutic help from two clinical psychologists who gave me all sorts of advice and encouragement about how to more effectively reach my goals.

    I used the technique of journalizing to help work through these changes, to assist in the self observations that made change possible so that I came to know what about my I had to change, control or focus on in order to change.

     In review of ‘what I’m really about’, I see that I can say about myself that I am in combat with fear and temptation, two of my most familiar inner obstacles which I have sought to control, to overcome in the process of going for worthiness goals. These are and were core factors in my strivings for personal development, from ignoble to noble, from bad habits to health and well being.

    I am the chief audience to my endeavors since mostly I have not shared my struggles with friends or relatives. Blogging has been a recent addition. And I have self published two books about my struggles, weight loss and cold call reluctance.  Now I am struggling with SOBRIETY which, to this date, I am losing.  However, alcohol is becoming more and more poisonous to my system, as I keep telling myself. But, somehow, the wish is not father to the needed change. Moderation has been achieved but not total cessation. 

   So I am really about a private struggle for self rectification to resolve the loss of self confidence and to overcome the inferiority caused by my upbringing.  Sometimes I think that I don’t have the courage of my convictions, or I don’t have the courage to go public until I have amazing results to report.  This is probably in error and this offering is in part taken as a corrective measure.

   The take away here: change is fraught with failure but oftentimes ends in success if you persist long enough.  Some tactics succeed for a time only to fall by the wayside as old habits come back in play.  And, thoughts, especially justifications and legitimations, don’t always lead to the hoped for change. Intuitions and feelings tend to be stronger and more reliable sources of positive actions.

How to Proceed Towards Goals via Self Coaching

I have found in striving for goals (writing for publication or weight loss goals) that journal keeping helps inspire and direct.

My self communions in this journal consist of admonishments and advice giving and many ”you shoulds” that have a motivating impact on getting me to follow the acts necessary to fulfill my intentions.

By returning every day to these self directed dialogues, I find that compliance brings a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. Non compliance inevitably brings guilt, frustration and new resolves to “to better”.

Much as an external coach would do, these self administered directives seem to lead me down a more virtuous path, or at least one that I believe is preferable to simply responding to every impulse or passing temptation that invites giving in rather than staying the course.

Working with a coach, you develop a goal and a plan of action for reaching that goal. Weekly meetings ensure accountability. But working with yourself, you can do the same thing, and use record keeping as your accountability device.

Self coaching is a kind of self empowerment process where you rely on your own resources rather than an outside expert to initiate and carry out strategies that you know are necessary to gain positive outcomes.

Some of the resources you need to help yourself in your goal strivings are: record keeping; perspective building….coming up with meanings that help motivate and inspire; role models…finding others who are doing what you want to do and finding out how they work; self contracting…setting particular tasks and a time limit for their attainment; recognition rituals…finding ways to reward yourself for doing what you say you think is important or that you ‘should’ do.

The best resource I have found is journal keeping.  As far as I am concerned the results are in: more self knowledge via journalizing increases control over your actions. Many of our beliefs about ourselves are taken from others.  But the ones that really count in terms of their efficacy are the beliefs derived from your own experience.  Keeping a journal allows you to encapsulate the lessons from you experience so as to provide empowering beliefs.

These are just some of the factors that help you move forward when the services of an outside coach are not available or are out of reach financially.

Negating the Fear of Disapproval to Optimize Need Fulfillment

It has become a common place in therapeutic circles to argue that fears of disapproval disconnect people from their desires. And when that happens, frustration and self downing are the inevitable result. How could one be so cowardly as to sacrifice important needs?

Any cursory examination of reluctance scenarios shows how this happens. Think of the following examples:

l. A young man spies a beautiful girl and seeks to make a connection; but, the woman gives no sign of welcome and in fact seems positively uninterested and/or offended at his attentions. Result, he backs off for fear of “giving offense.”

2. A salesperson who aspires to achieve a management position is offered an opportunity to give a talk to a gathering of marketing experts. Unfortunately, he fears he will be embarrassed and humiliated by the experience and politely declines thereby passing up a chance to satisfy his ambitions.

3. A writer of my acquaintance could not finish a manuscript that would have furthered his writing career because he feared his ideas were not “good enough” and would only garner contempt from a potential audience. Time was wasted in making the attempt that did not come to fruition and consequently he was bitter at himself for, in his words, “giving in to his worst fears.”

What all these examples have in common is avoidance brought about by negative assumptions of what might happen if one does not put his or her best foot forward. The connection is between poor self confidence and a lack of readiness to engage in a public presentation of self.

And avoidance of seeking feedback shows also with  fear of disapproval. Research results suggest that undergoing a positive or negative experience subsequently influences motives in feedback-seeking decisions. In other words, fear of disapproval, or of rejection and failure, sustains avoidance of feedback, no matter how skilled or competent one is.

A second shared element is the follow-on of self criticism that erupts after a failure to exploit an opportunity now lost. Negative self evaluation tends to further restrict a readiness to try unless there is an awakening to the real trade off: for every opportunity avoided, one’s chance of eventual public success is diminished.

It is far better to become persuaded that the risks of rejection and disapproval are of small moment when compared to the values and benefits sacrificed.

“Adventure means risking something; and it is only when we are doing that that we know really what a splendid thing life is and how splendidly it can be lived…The man who never dares never does; the man who never risks never wins. It is far better to venture and fail than to lie on the hearthrug like a sleepily purring car. Only fools laugh at failure; wise men laugh at the lazy and the too-contended and at those who are so timid that they dare undertake nothing.”

Quoted in The Strange Last Voyage of Donald Crowhurst, by Nicholas Tomalin and Ron Hall, Stein and Day Publicshers, NY, 197, p. 22.

The Role of Insights and Reframes In Behavior Change

When I look back at two of my success stories, stopping smoking and losing weight, the lessons that stand out are: first, a blinding new insight can bring immediate change. And second, an accidental discovery of a new term or frame work of viewing can spark another immediate change.

In both cases, the experience heightened my interest in finding the new understanding that brings about a mastery of resistance.  But mutative insights, insights that bring a change in action, are very rare. I can only recall one in my lifetime. I keep looking for what Yalom (in his book, Existential Psychotherapy) calls the mutative insight, but so far it remains very allusive.

More common is a new term or way of viewing a current challenge that brings action change. In my weight loss story, I was losing steadily when I hit a plateau that lasted weeks and perhaps months. After losing 25 pounds the usual way…i.e. less intake and more exercise, I became stuck.

 One day, while reading a newspaper story about our recent Republican president G. Bush, I cam across the term’feckless’, meaning ineffective, in describing our recent president. I was not familiar with the term but once I looked it up and compared myself with the president  in an unflattering way as a ‘feckless’ weight loser, I immediately bore down and got off my plateau.

In the past several days, I came across a book review in the NY times that mentioned the term ‘Kafkarna’ to describe an absurdity impossible to explain rationally. This is the Czechoslovakian term for Kafkesque and immediately resonated with me.  For I have long felt about my personal agenda pertaining to goal achievements of various sorts, that while that agenda had many benefits, and was definitely approved by my Better Self, I was not ‘doing it’.

The term that Aristotle in describing this phenomena was Akrasia, or that condition of character where one knows what should be done but is unable to do it. In essence, it is lack of willpower for when intentions come calling but their fulfillment falls short.

For years I feel I have suffered from this particular malaise and now I am faced with the hope that reframing this condition as Kafkarna will some how release me from the inertia of lazyness and the immobility of fear. For, after all, the solution is to act and stop dithering. I will report back soon.

Self Coaching for Overcoming Procrastination and Timidity

Overcoming inner blocks that prevent resolving the paralysis of procrastination or the timidity of social anxiety is often made more difficult when those blocks are cemented in place.

The insight about what causes this stuck-ness is from control mastery theory. The insight is as follows: the dynamic that keeps inner barriers in place is continued self criticism that stems from guilt for not following the inner guide. One concentrates criticism on oneself for not carrying out directives of the “better self”, the one that knows the correct course of action but is unwilling (not unable) to carry it out.

Delaying a task like writing a paper, finishing a home improvement project, or introducing yourself to a new neighbor may be maintained or sustained by inner self put downs that deplete your self confidence to initiate and carry through the task.

While the self derogation may seem unwarranted on its face, if it continues the cause may be the unconscious guilt that accrues from inaction. While you continue to defy your own best judgment, guilt builds up and becomes grounds for thinking less of yourself and your projects.

 

I find this hypothesis compelling because it makes sense out of a pattern that is all too familiar: being buffaloed by inner blocks when your work hard to overcome them and you have all sorts of  benefits uncovered for moving ahead, but still you remain stuck.  It’s as if a mysterious force is holding you back and you cannot unlock its nature or how to modify its power.

A recent reading of Dostoyevsky’s book, Notes from the Underground provide a possible answer. In this book, Dostoyevsky argues that man’s most prized advantage for acting is the capacity to act in accord with one’s will, or free choice, even to act against one’s best interests. This perversity to go negative, even at the possible cost to one’s health and well being is presented as a positive virtue that mankind highly values. Caprice, Dostoyevsky argues, the urge to act in surprising and unexpected ways, is actually one of man’s highest values and explains how otherwise comfortable and secure souls manage to make terrible judgments as to their personal conduct.

Being stuck and not knowing why is a familiar predicament in reluctance work; but it just may be that for you, the stuck-ness is derived from guilt for not complying with your inner guide or conscience, the voice that tells you what is “right”, justified or appropriate.

Such a perspective or self interpretation may by just the catalyst for springing loose from the ties that bind; inertia and failure to act need an override sometimes so that self censoring (or caprice) doesn’t gain the upper hand.

R. Baumiester on Willpower

cf Wall St Journal, 9….4….15

http://www.wsj.com/articles/marie-kondo-david-sedaris-and-more-on-willpower-1441383726

"So what we need to understand is that we have this marvelous capacity but that it is not unlimited. It fails sometimes. The key is that self-control works through habits. By setting up good habits, you’re not resisting temptation or getting yourself out of jams or fighting the odds, but rather you’re using your self-control to set life up to run on autopilot. Then it runs smoothly, and you can save your willpower to put into more creative endeavors.”

The Role of Insights and Reframes In Behavior Change

When I look back at two of my success stories, stopping smoking and losing weight, the lessons that stand out are: first, a blinding new insight can bring immediate change. And second, an accidental discovery of a new term or frame work of viewing can spark another immediate change.

In both cases, the experience heightened my interest in finding the new understanding that brings about a mastery of resistance.  But mutative insights, insights that bring a change in action, are very rare. I can only recall one in my lifetime. I keep looking for what Yalom (in his book, Existential Psychotherapy) calls the mutative insight, but so far it remains very allusive.

More common is a new term or way of viewing a current challenge that brings action change. In my weight loss story, I was losing steadily when I hit a plateau that lasted weeks and perhaps months. After losing 25 pounds the usual way…i.e. less intake and more exercise, I became stuck.

One day, while reading a newspaper story about our recent Republican president G. Bush, I cam across the term’feckless’, meaning ineffective, in describing our recent president. I was not familiar with the term but once I looked it up and compared myself with the president  in an unflattering way as a ‘feckless’ weight loser, I immediately bore down and got off my plateau.

In the past several days, I came across a book review in the NY times that mentioned the term ‘Kafkarna’ to describe an absurdity impossible to explain rationally. This is the Czechoslovakian term for Kafkesque and immediately resonated with me.  For I have long felt about my personal agenda pertaining to goal achievements of various sorts, that while that agenda had many benefits, and was definitely approved by my Better Self, I was not ‘doing it’.

The term that Aristotle in describing this phenomena was Akrasia, or that condition of character where one knows what should be done but is unable to do it. In essence, it is lack of willpower for when intentions come calling but their fulfillment falls short.

For years I feel I have suffered from this particular malaise and now I am faced with the hope that reframing this condition as Kafkarna will some how release me from the inertia of lazyness and the immobility of fear. For, after all, the solution is to act and stop dithering. I will report back soon.

‘Doings’ Reinforced by Prosocial Motives Optimize Achievement

I recently uncovered a perspective that helps motivate me in my various domains of achievement: this is the notion of ‘doings’ or actions that implement goals or purposes, both near term and long term.

These doings could be eating less, changing your diet (no cream in coffee for example to promote weight loss) or putting down a certain number of words and phrases for a day of writing.

Whatever the means–end activity that helps implement your strategy for success, seeing these doings as meaningful in themselves because they embody your values or goals is a optimal tactic for moving forward.  “Meaningful in themselves’ is key because it takes you away from a focus on  benefits and rewards that may  or may not show up.

My new mantra is: Do the work and results will follow. Sometimes this isn’t true but you need to keep it up and not flag in your efforts because you aren’t getting the result you expected.

This recently happened to me:  I started counting calories with an IPhone app in hopes this tactic would help in weight loss.  But lo and behold, no results followed, though it has only been about 10 days. I am discouraged and I’m thinking of giving it up as it is a bit of a bother.  But like the cold calling example, persistence is sometimes the key. I once made 35 calls over three years to a company that finally said ‘yes’.  The activity was key, not the results.

Similarly, whatever the striving domain, persistence pays dividends but if you keep the way of viewing focused on the ‘doing’ rather than the results, you won’t be so likely to throw in the towel, perhaps prematurely.

A ‘doing ‘perspective is strengthened if it is backed up by prosocial motivation, researchers have discovered. Persistence is positively correlated with prosocial motivation or the“voluntary behavior intended to benefit another" or society as a whole," "such as helping, sharing, donating, co-operating, and volunteering." These actions may be motivated by empathy and by concern about the welfare and rights of others, ^[4] as well as for egoistic or practical concerns.

In the research cited above, callers who reported high levels of both prosocial and intrinsic motivations raised more money 1 month later, and this moderated association was mediated by a larger number of calls made.

Corollaries of Conscientiousness and the Importance of Belief

Conscientiousness as a personality trait is widely valued.  It turns out to be correlated with  a variety of  positive outcomes such as weight control, superior customer service, achievement in work and school and more., For me,  it remains  of  primary significance as a beacon for  self control and in this context the main challenge is how is it developed.

As I have worked with conscientiousness, there remain three main challenges. How to stay focused on what you want to be conscientious about…work habits, personal self care, exercise, etc.  Second, what to do when the inevitable slip up happens and you are faced with guilt and self criticism. (Or self compassion as recommended by a recent researcher.) And third, how to gain consistent belief in the value of what you are seeking to achieve.

This last element is what sets apart the neophyte from the serious striver who seeks to live by a personal code. Beliefs can come from two sources: our own experience and reflections, or as a blind acceptance of what other people tell us. I have sought for years to live by beliefs derived from my own experience and reflection. Oftentimes I have remained unsure of the truthfulness of these beliefs, but their value in terms of their positive effects on the quality my life has remained.

Living an intentional life calls for conscientious application of thoughts to experience, in a directive manner. Instead of simply responding to every impulse or expectation of others that comes along, you try to live by certain directives and admonitions from your own self.

On reflection it is clear to me that I have the capability to produce the data from my own experience that might benefit others.  Acting in accord with my own principles and ideals on a consistent basis and knowing how I did it would be of interest, for sure. But to make this claim I need validating results and while I have some to report, the big break through eludes me. What remains is a continuing interest in how conscientiousness is developed.

A recent article in Forbes argues that what is needed is an index of conscientiousness to determine enduring qualities of good employees. This article argues from Linked data that conscientiousness or patience and responsibility are the most used terms in the business world today suggesting that in the future employers will be especially looking for this trait in their employees.

If it is to be highly valued then companies should be interested in developing this trait. And this means attention to how beliefs are held and developed for they provide the key to implementation of resolves.

                                                            

Self Confluence and Guilt in Self Help Endeavors

For years I have been telling myself the story that I was humiliated and disrespected as a child by a parent (my mother) and that the solution was to strive for more worthiness in order to prove my self worth.

This has been a long slog towards overcoming real and imaginary obstacles to self change, changing my beliefs regarding what is real and what is unproven because there were no true tests conducted in the real world. There were no tests because I was too hemmed in by fears of rejection, of failure and of disapproval.

As I have had some successes in meeting various challenges over time, it has occurred to me that my strength lies in having a powerful conscience that demands conformity with various oughts and shoulds.  Evidence has recently appeared in the local press.

It seems like the mind has different faculties that provide the foundation for different abilities.  The rational faculty is the cause of rational action; the willing faculty (the ability to do, to decide, to choose) is the origin of volition. And the conscience faculty is used to distinguish between right and wrong, good and bad.  For me, advancing towards moral outcomes has always had the most appeal.

These moral imperatives have appeared in my efforts in the domains of personal health as for example in weight control, sobriety and smoking cessation.  In every instance there was a ‘going against’ kind of resistance since a part of my self was always unwilling to follow the better course. In all these instances success came but only after the passage of months and years  They were all examples of persistence after much trial and error and much self encouragement after numerous fall backs. The guilt that followed these set backs always spurred me to try again and I have personally found guilt a far better inducer than self compassion, as argued by Mcdonigal.    

Both in this area of health and in the area of career achievement there has been examples of self confluence  that bears out what is known about valued based motivations: they tend to be much stronger than those based on whim or caprice. Without an analysis of where my deficits were, I probably never would have found the where with all to  keep up the struggle

Overcoming Fear of Disapproval

Fear of disapproval or negative evaluation by others underlies much social anxiety or reluctance to speak up. It is a condition that delimits initiative and exacts a heavy cost for quality of life. Perhaps the worst result is that it leads to self abdication or the surrendering of important needs and wants for the sake of safety and hiding out.

People with social anxiety have a chronic fear of being judged by others and this fear may interfere with work, school or other activities.

One of the main treatments now in vogue is cognitive-behavioral therapy. This approach has two components. The cognitive element helps people change thinking patterns that prevent them from overcoming their fears. One common belief, for example, is that others are harshly judgmental towards one’s behavior; this belief must be changed in order for fruitful relationships to be established.

The second behavioral element seeks to help people become more at ease in frightening situations. To do this, progressive desensitization techniques are used to bring about a gradual diminution of anxiety and better coping skills.

I am especially impressed with the approach that focuses on building up self trust as an antidote to fear of disapproval. (See Susan Jeffers, http://www.susanjeffers.com/home/index.cfm.) Self trust can be gained by caring for one’s body, ideas and relationships. And this is achieved in turn by accomplishing personal goals, obeying one’s own moral rules and living up to one’s ideals.
Akrasia is the name Aristotle gave to his challenge, now more familiarly known as procrastination.  It is that condition of character where one knows what should be done but is unable to do it. It is also known as lack of willpower or weakness.

The problem with akrasia is that it is irremediable. As  Alfred Mele said in his book, Irrationality: An Essye On Akrasia, Self Deception and Self Control, New York, Oxford University Press, 1987:

“Few writers have been able to tackle it. That which we cannot cure, we do not tackle. We must simply face the fact that weakness of the will is a member of that huge class of contradictions, hesitations, vacillations, incoherence’s, and absurdities of very kind which composes a large part of our practical life

     We may aspire to moral dominion over ourselves but our being human and not saintly, corporeal and not angelic, naturally flawed and not naturally perfect damns us to the ever present possibility of that unbridgeable gap  between our ability to deliberate and discover or calculate and conclude what we ought to do and what we actually do.”

Assuming one has the wherewithal to overcome one’s own disinclinations, the self-strengthening that result from these practices does wonders for reducing fears of how one is perceived by others.