Externalization and Its Vagaries

I have recently struggled with a fear-bound wish to do a better job of letting others know about my personal change or growth work.  After a series of successes in weight control, smoking cessation and mastering a reluctance to do business marketing via cold calls, I find my self blocked by what I see as the risks of self disclosure.  Out of a wish for more accountability as an aide to advancement, I find myself wanting to disclose more yet I am throttled in the attempt.

The three main fears are: fear of disapproval, fear of rejection and fear of failure. All wrapped together, they appear an as a vaguely perceived amorphous ball of restraint, a self canceling force that keeps one stuck.

The literature on procrastination is not much help. It argues that it is sometimes a response to an authoritarian parenting style. Having a harsh, controlling father keeps children from developing the ability to regulate themselves, and keeps them from internalizing their own intentions and then learning to act on them.  Procrastination can even be a form of rebellion, one of the few forms available. What’s more, under authoritarian house hold conditions, procrastinators turn more to friends than to parents for support and their friends may reinforce procrastination because they tend to be tolerant of their excuses. (See Hara Morano article in Psychology Today, http://psychologytoday.com/rss/pto-20030823-000001.html “ Ten Things You Should Know About Procrastination”)

Even uncovering the fears of disclosure, and having an understanding of same, the resolution does not immediately come forth.  If I look at my own history of disclosure I find that for the most part good things followed, not the bad things I anticipated, i.e., the failure, rejection and or disapproval.  The three towers of intimidation.  So my own personal history teaches that my predictions in the past were wrong, or simply delusional, born of fears and that by incremental exposure, I could win the day.

However, even this evidence based personal history does not always provide sufficient drive to advance.  Excuses and rationalizations pop up as inner conflict get aroused; short term, pleasurable indulgences always appear: the wine, the sweets, the second helpings. You win some and lose some. Human frailty comes to the fore as a universal of human experience and so one is left with inevitable imperfection.

Listening to the self-critical or self-doubting voice never gets you closer to goal. Instead, try the point of view of a mentor or good friend who believes in you, wants the best for you and will encourage you when you feel discouraged. (See Kelly McGonigal,The Willpower Instinct. http://amzn.to/1IrHJF0)