Self Coaching for Overcoming Procrastination and Timidity

Overcoming inner blocks that prevent resolving the paralysis of procrastination or the timidity of social anxiety is often made more difficult when those blocks are cemented in place.

The insight about what causes this stuck-ness is from control mastery theory. The insight is as follows: the dynamic that keeps inner barriers in place is continued self criticism that stems from guilt for not following the inner guide. One concentrates criticism on oneself for not carrying out directives of the “better self”, the one that knows the correct course of action but is unwilling (not unable) to carry it out.

Delaying a task like writing a paper, finishing a home improvement project, or introducing yourself to a new neighbor may be maintained or sustained by inner self put downs that deplete your self confidence to initiate and carry through the task.

While the self derogation may seem unwarranted on its face, if it continues the cause may be the unconscious guilt that accrues from inaction. While you continue to defy your own best judgment, guilt builds up and becomes grounds for thinking less of yourself and your projects.

 

I find this hypothesis compelling because it makes sense out of a pattern that is all too familiar: being buffaloed by inner blocks when your work hard to overcome them and you have all sorts of  benefits uncovered for moving ahead, but still you remain stuck.  It’s as if a mysterious force is holding you back and you cannot unlock its nature or how to modify its power.

A recent reading of Dostoyevsky’s book, Notes from the Underground provide a possible answer. In this book, Dostoyevsky argues that man’s most prized advantage for acting is the capacity to act in accord with one’s will, or free choice, even to act against one’s best interests. This perversity to go negative, even at the possible cost to one’s health and well being is presented as a positive virtue that mankind highly values. Caprice, Dostoyevsky argues, the urge to act in surprising and unexpected ways, is actually one of man’s highest values and explains how otherwise comfortable and secure souls manage to make terrible judgments as to their personal conduct.

Being stuck and not knowing why is a familiar predicament in reluctance work; but it just may be that for you, the stuck-ness is derived from guilt for not complying with your inner guide or conscience, the voice that tells you what is “right”, justified or appropriate.

Such a perspective or self interpretation may by just the catalyst for springing loose from the ties that bind; inertia and failure to act need an override sometimes so that self censoring (or caprice) doesn’t gain the upper hand.

R. Baumiester on Willpower

cf Wall St Journal, 9….4….15

http://www.wsj.com/articles/marie-kondo-david-sedaris-and-more-on-willpower-1441383726

"So what we need to understand is that we have this marvelous capacity but that it is not unlimited. It fails sometimes. The key is that self-control works through habits. By setting up good habits, you’re not resisting temptation or getting yourself out of jams or fighting the odds, but rather you’re using your self-control to set life up to run on autopilot. Then it runs smoothly, and you can save your willpower to put into more creative endeavors.”

The Role of Insights and Reframes In Behavior Change

When I look back at two of my success stories, stopping smoking and losing weight, the lessons that stand out are: first, a blinding new insight can bring immediate change. And second, an accidental discovery of a new term or frame work of viewing can spark another immediate change.

In both cases, the experience heightened my interest in finding the new understanding that brings about a mastery of resistance.  But mutative insights, insights that bring a change in action, are very rare. I can only recall one in my lifetime. I keep looking for what Yalom (in his book, Existential Psychotherapy) calls the mutative insight, but so far it remains very allusive.

More common is a new term or way of viewing a current challenge that brings action change. In my weight loss story, I was losing steadily when I hit a plateau that lasted weeks and perhaps months. After losing 25 pounds the usual way…i.e. less intake and more exercise, I became stuck.

One day, while reading a newspaper story about our recent Republican president G. Bush, I cam across the term’feckless’, meaning ineffective, in describing our recent president. I was not familiar with the term but once I looked it up and compared myself with the president  in an unflattering way as a ‘feckless’ weight loser, I immediately bore down and got off my plateau.

In the past several days, I came across a book review in the NY times that mentioned the term ‘Kafkarna’ to describe an absurdity impossible to explain rationally. This is the Czechoslovakian term for Kafkesque and immediately resonated with me.  For I have long felt about my personal agenda pertaining to goal achievements of various sorts, that while that agenda had many benefits, and was definitely approved by my Better Self, I was not ‘doing it’.

The term that Aristotle in describing this phenomena was Akrasia, or that condition of character where one knows what should be done but is unable to do it. In essence, it is lack of willpower for when intentions come calling but their fulfillment falls short.

For years I feel I have suffered from this particular malaise and now I am faced with the hope that reframing this condition as Kafkarna will some how release me from the inertia of lazyness and the immobility of fear. For, after all, the solution is to act and stop dithering. I will report back soon.

‘Doings’ Reinforced by Prosocial Motives Optimize Achievement

I recently uncovered a perspective that helps motivate me in my various domains of achievement: this is the notion of ‘doings’ or actions that implement goals or purposes, both near term and long term.

These doings could be eating less, changing your diet (no cream in coffee for example to promote weight loss) or putting down a certain number of words and phrases for a day of writing.

Whatever the means–end activity that helps implement your strategy for success, seeing these doings as meaningful in themselves because they embody your values or goals is a optimal tactic for moving forward.  “Meaningful in themselves’ is key because it takes you away from a focus on  benefits and rewards that may  or may not show up.

My new mantra is: Do the work and results will follow. Sometimes this isn’t true but you need to keep it up and not flag in your efforts because you aren’t getting the result you expected.

This recently happened to me:  I started counting calories with an IPhone app in hopes this tactic would help in weight loss.  But lo and behold, no results followed, though it has only been about 10 days. I am discouraged and I’m thinking of giving it up as it is a bit of a bother.  But like the cold calling example, persistence is sometimes the key. I once made 35 calls over three years to a company that finally said ‘yes’.  The activity was key, not the results.

Similarly, whatever the striving domain, persistence pays dividends but if you keep the way of viewing focused on the ‘doing’ rather than the results, you won’t be so likely to throw in the towel, perhaps prematurely.

A ‘doing ‘perspective is strengthened if it is backed up by prosocial motivation, researchers have discovered. Persistence is positively correlated with prosocial motivation or the“voluntary behavior intended to benefit another" or society as a whole," "such as helping, sharing, donating, co-operating, and volunteering." These actions may be motivated by empathy and by concern about the welfare and rights of others, ^[4] as well as for egoistic or practical concerns.

In the research cited above, callers who reported high levels of both prosocial and intrinsic motivations raised more money 1 month later, and this moderated association was mediated by a larger number of calls made.

Corollaries of Conscientiousness and the Importance of Belief

Conscientiousness as a personality trait is widely valued.  It turns out to be correlated with  a variety of  positive outcomes such as weight control, superior customer service, achievement in work and school and more., For me,  it remains  of  primary significance as a beacon for  self control and in this context the main challenge is how is it developed.

As I have worked with conscientiousness, there remain three main challenges. How to stay focused on what you want to be conscientious about…work habits, personal self care, exercise, etc.  Second, what to do when the inevitable slip up happens and you are faced with guilt and self criticism. (Or self compassion as recommended by a recent researcher.) And third, how to gain consistent belief in the value of what you are seeking to achieve.

This last element is what sets apart the neophyte from the serious striver who seeks to live by a personal code. Beliefs can come from two sources: our own experience and reflections, or as a blind acceptance of what other people tell us. I have sought for years to live by beliefs derived from my own experience and reflection. Oftentimes I have remained unsure of the truthfulness of these beliefs, but their value in terms of their positive effects on the quality my life has remained.

Living an intentional life calls for conscientious application of thoughts to experience, in a directive manner. Instead of simply responding to every impulse or expectation of others that comes along, you try to live by certain directives and admonitions from your own self.

On reflection it is clear to me that I have the capability to produce the data from my own experience that might benefit others.  Acting in accord with my own principles and ideals on a consistent basis and knowing how I did it would be of interest, for sure. But to make this claim I need validating results and while I have some to report, the big break through eludes me. What remains is a continuing interest in how conscientiousness is developed.

A recent article in Forbes argues that what is needed is an index of conscientiousness to determine enduring qualities of good employees. This article argues from Linked data that conscientiousness or patience and responsibility are the most used terms in the business world today suggesting that in the future employers will be especially looking for this trait in their employees.

If it is to be highly valued then companies should be interested in developing this trait. And this means attention to how beliefs are held and developed for they provide the key to implementation of resolves.

                                                            

Self Confluence and Guilt in Self Help Endeavors

For years I have been telling myself the story that I was humiliated and disrespected as a child by a parent (my mother) and that the solution was to strive for more worthiness in order to prove my self worth.

This has been a long slog towards overcoming real and imaginary obstacles to self change, changing my beliefs regarding what is real and what is unproven because there were no true tests conducted in the real world. There were no tests because I was too hemmed in by fears of rejection, of failure and of disapproval.

As I have had some successes in meeting various challenges over time, it has occurred to me that my strength lies in having a powerful conscience that demands conformity with various oughts and shoulds.  Evidence has recently appeared in the local press.

It seems like the mind has different faculties that provide the foundation for different abilities.  The rational faculty is the cause of rational action; the willing faculty (the ability to do, to decide, to choose) is the origin of volition. And the conscience faculty is used to distinguish between right and wrong, good and bad.  For me, advancing towards moral outcomes has always had the most appeal.

These moral imperatives have appeared in my efforts in the domains of personal health as for example in weight control, sobriety and smoking cessation.  In every instance there was a ‘going against’ kind of resistance since a part of my self was always unwilling to follow the better course. In all these instances success came but only after the passage of months and years  They were all examples of persistence after much trial and error and much self encouragement after numerous fall backs. The guilt that followed these set backs always spurred me to try again and I have personally found guilt a far better inducer than self compassion, as argued by Mcdonigal.    

Both in this area of health and in the area of career achievement there has been examples of self confluence  that bears out what is known about valued based motivations: they tend to be much stronger than those based on whim or caprice. Without an analysis of where my deficits were, I probably never would have found the where with all to  keep up the struggle

Overcoming Fear of Disapproval

Fear of disapproval or negative evaluation by others underlies much social anxiety or reluctance to speak up. It is a condition that delimits initiative and exacts a heavy cost for quality of life. Perhaps the worst result is that it leads to self abdication or the surrendering of important needs and wants for the sake of safety and hiding out.

People with social anxiety have a chronic fear of being judged by others and this fear may interfere with work, school or other activities.

One of the main treatments now in vogue is cognitive-behavioral therapy. This approach has two components. The cognitive element helps people change thinking patterns that prevent them from overcoming their fears. One common belief, for example, is that others are harshly judgmental towards one’s behavior; this belief must be changed in order for fruitful relationships to be established.

The second behavioral element seeks to help people become more at ease in frightening situations. To do this, progressive desensitization techniques are used to bring about a gradual diminution of anxiety and better coping skills.

I am especially impressed with the approach that focuses on building up self trust as an antidote to fear of disapproval. (See Susan Jeffers, http://www.susanjeffers.com/home/index.cfm.) Self trust can be gained by caring for one’s body, ideas and relationships. And this is achieved in turn by accomplishing personal goals, obeying one’s own moral rules and living up to one’s ideals.
Akrasia is the name Aristotle gave to his challenge, now more familiarly known as procrastination.  It is that condition of character where one knows what should be done but is unable to do it. It is also known as lack of willpower or weakness.

The problem with akrasia is that it is irremediable. As  Alfred Mele said in his book, Irrationality: An Essye On Akrasia, Self Deception and Self Control, New York, Oxford University Press, 1987:

“Few writers have been able to tackle it. That which we cannot cure, we do not tackle. We must simply face the fact that weakness of the will is a member of that huge class of contradictions, hesitations, vacillations, incoherence’s, and absurdities of very kind which composes a large part of our practical life

     We may aspire to moral dominion over ourselves but our being human and not saintly, corporeal and not angelic, naturally flawed and not naturally perfect damns us to the ever present possibility of that unbridgeable gap  between our ability to deliberate and discover or calculate and conclude what we ought to do and what we actually do.”

Assuming one has the wherewithal to overcome one’s own disinclinations, the self-strengthening that result from these practices does wonders for reducing fears of how one is perceived by others.