It has become a common place
in therapeutic circles to argue that fears of disapproval disconnect people
from their desires. And when that happens, frustration and self downing are the
inevitable result. How could one be so cowardly as to sacrifice important
needs?
Any cursory examination of
reluctance scenarios shows how this happens. Think of the following examples:
l. A young man spies a
beautiful girl and seeks to make a connection; but, the woman gives no sign of
welcome and in fact seems positively uninterested and/or offended at his
attentions. Result, he backs off for fear of “giving offense.”
2. A salesperson who aspires
to achieve a management position is offered an opportunity to give a talk to a
gathering of marketing experts. Unfortunately, he fears he will be embarrassed
and humiliated by the experience and politely declines thereby passing up a
chance to satisfy his ambitions.
3. A writer of my
acquaintance could not finish a manuscript that would have furthered his
writing career because he feared his ideas were not “good enough” and would
only garner contempt from a potential audience. Time was wasted in making the
attempt that did not come to fruition and consequently he was bitter at himself
for, in his words, “giving in to his worst fears.”
What all these examples have
in common is avoidance brought about by negative assumptions of what might
happen if one does not put his or her best foot forward. The connection is
between poor self confidence and a lack of readiness to engage in a public
presentation of self.
And avoidance of seeking feedback shows also with fear of disapproval. Research results
suggest that undergoing a positive or negative experience
subsequently influences motives in feedback-seeking decisions. In other words,
fear of disapproval, or of rejection and failure, sustains avoidance of
feedback, no matter how skilled or competent one is.
A second shared element is
the follow-on of self criticism that
erupts after a failure to exploit an opportunity now lost. Negative self
evaluation tends to further restrict a readiness to try unless there is an
awakening to the real trade off: for every opportunity avoided, one’s chance of
eventual public success is diminished.
It is far better to become
persuaded that the risks of rejection and disapproval are of small moment when
compared to the values and benefits sacrificed.
“Adventure means risking
something; and it is only when we are doing that that we know really what a
splendid thing life is and how splendidly it can be lived…The man who never dares never does; the man who never risks never
wins. It is far better to venture and fail than to lie on the hearthrug like a
sleepily purring car. Only fools laugh at failure; wise men laugh at the lazy
and the too-contended and at those who are so timid that they dare undertake
nothing.”
Quoted in The Strange
Last Voyage of Donald Crowhurst, by Nicholas Tomalin and Ron Hall,
Stein and Day Publicshers , NY
No comments:
Post a Comment